I have attended a number of support groups over the years for alienated parents. The most notable aspect of these groups is the crushing grief thickening the air in the room. The mothers are there early not wanting to miss a moment of support and understanding that is so vital to their ability to withstand their pain. Yet, one by one as I looked around each woman was a live sunshine in her own right. These were intelligent women who had spent 20, 30 of 50 years devotedly parenting their families that had suddenly been labeled ‘unfit’ mothers. One by one they stared wide-eyed at each other hoping someone could clarify how this could happen. They begged and pleaded for a solution. Their pain could not hold. Their longing to continue to be a loving part of the child’s life that they treasured was searing at their souls. Their child is no less a part of them than the oxygen we breathe to keep us alive. Moving on without them is unbearable.

In addition to the longing the pain is crippling as it goes totally against our logic. Our thinking tells us that we will devote our lives to being exemplary parents and as we age we will bask in the love and companionship of our grown children. Of course, we know that every child will find their own way but what we couldn’t ever have imagined is that a child will not want us to be a part of the way they choose. There is no place to process a loss that huge. It leaves us shell-shocked. Traumatized. Our pain is real.

Furthermore, I know that many of us have had to grieve the loss of close friendships along with the loss of our children as they could not accept nor understand our pain. Oftentimes they too would blame us. This not only hurts it’s another huge loss.

Take heart. You are experiencing a very traumatic form of grief. Be kind to yourself. If at all possible surround yourself with love. You can see a therapist that understands alienation or join a support group. It will take time but you will heal.

Remember…… you are not alone….. you have our sympathies!